Holiday Prep

For the past few weeks I've been busy planning and preparing for the Passover holiday. I visited many supermarkets - some 4 or 5 times - and collected all kinds of special foods. I dragged out all of my recipe books and tried to cobble together a menu that would work for everyone. Saturday night, we all sat down to eat the festive meal and I was amazed to realize that I got it all done. Brisket, sweet & sour meatballs, 2 kinds of chicken, veggies etc. It all made it to the table reasonably hot and good. I am so relieved.

I'm also relieved because this Passover was accompanied by a bit of dread. My dad has been gone for about 6 months now and I finally understand what a gradual process mourning is. It comes in waves and it's triggered by odd things.
I invited all of my friends to the first night seder a few months ago because I wanted to be certain that our table was full. No empty seats! I thought that if my house was full of people then I wouldn't notice who was missing from the table as much. I also altered the menu for similar reasons. My dad was always the one to carve the turkey so this year I eliminated it. The thing is, I assumed that this was all my issue. My girls and husband support me but, for the most part, they seem ok with things.
As I prepared for the holiday I realized that my girls are still very aware of the void. DQ asked about having an empty seat at the table. She wanted to preserve grandpa's spot. I declined because I couldn't face the empty seat but I was surprised and touched that she wanted it. Stinkerbelle started asking about who I called on That Night. The questions were so unexpected but I answered her questions.
Through all of the holiday prep I heard over and over from the girls about Passover a year ago (I think) when the girls spent a day with my dad. They both recalled eating Passover coffee cake, orange juice and chocolate and and hanging out with him all day. It's not the kind of day I'd expect to create a lasting memory but it has.

Knowing that my girls were missing my father as much as I was made the holiday prep kind of bittersweet but it was comforting too.